The Boatman's Call

"We don't really know each other" she said to me. I refused to believe this, I thought I was on the right track, even though deep inside I was scared shitless, knowing something was up. 

I thought I knew her. I thought I knew her as well as I knew myself. But make no mistake, everyone knew there was that kind of ending waiting around the corner. There was no twist, no gimmicks -- it was bound to happen. I effectively crept my way in (you can say I did it in both the literary and the "creepy" way) and fooled myself and rushed and ended up making someone hate my guts, like I always do.

A week later, I'm ranting and hating on the poor girl because of my own actions. Well, that's not a manly thing to do, and it's definitely not human. I can see that now. I spent two days insulting the girl just because I creeped her out and pressured her, and fuck, that's exactly what I never wanted to do in my life. I've been "the creep" many, MANY times and I hate it. But this time I deserved it way more than any other.

She was right. We don't know each other. I didn't give her room to breathe and reveal herself to me as she really is, and I realized I haven't been me. In a twisted way, I probably did good by insulting her and telling her I did not want to speak to her anymore. She probably hates my guts now and thinks I'm a worthless piece of shit, and maybe I look like it. But I'm not that man.

Shit has been fucked up, and I don't mean lately, not in the past weeks, not even the past month. I'm talking about years, almost a decade. Have you watched those Twilight Zone episodes where the chinese guy with resentment is looking for his lost childhood, his innocence, his compassion, and the one where the angry middle aged man goes back to his childhood home and ends up literally revisiting his past but through his middle aged eyes and figures the whole thing out? Well, you can definitely say that has happened to me.

Drinking and taking my medication doesn't improve or deteriorate things. I'm the only one who controls everything within me, and whaddya know, it took me around ten years to figure that out. How do you start from zero when you thought you didn't care about everything around do, but you do? How do you stop hating compulsively on everyone and focus on what makes you happy? How do you learn to live with yourself? Well, I've been figuring that out. I won't lie. I've done plenty of fucked up things. I've become a master when it comes to burning bridges, and even though I've been quite selfish during these years, I have not really paid attention to the real me, who's sitting in a basement, held hostage by a negative creep. And turns out that negative creep is me.

I would like to apologize, even if those apologies are not received, to everyone, for having them put up with my bullshit for so long. But I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm not wallowing in my sorrow, in fact, I don't even feel sad right now. For the first time in some time, I feel hopeful. I feel like starting over, and guess what, I'm on it. Even if it's not far away from this town I don't really like, but I finally get the picture. I really do. I don't wanna be on the fence, but if I have to choose a side, I think I wanna stick to the 'good' side of things. Change things up a bit.